HEMINGWAY'S UNDERPANTS

  Underwhelming Ancient Greek Philosopher’s Works Discovered Recently unearthed documents have delighted archeologists and historians alike with the discovery of a literal treasure trove of discarded writings from the almost entirely forgotten and universally ignored philosopher Moronocles (more-on-uh-cleez) who, like Plato, was also a student of Socrates. Little is known about his early life and education, but unlike his famous teacher, Socrates, who never wrote anything down, Moronocles seems to have written everything down. Every thought, no matter how useless, was preserved with painstaking accuracy and stored in a dumpster behind the home of his friend and contemporary, Plato. The voluminous cache of well-preserved documents are sometimes neatly chiseled into tablets, others scribbled on worn-out sandals or cocktail napkins--one entire manuscript is written in tiny print on the discarded toga of Moronocles’ morbidly obese neighbor Diabetes.  Based on ancient sources, mode...

  If Women Played in the NBA There is no rule that says NBA players have to be men, yet there are no women on the court. Since most of our institutions are designed to please women, there may come a time when teams will be required to play at least one woman, but more likely, teams would be required to make half of their teams female. If this happens, we may begin to see the following: Woman: His hand brushed against my breasts! LeBron: I was just trying to get the ball! Ref: Your intentions don’t matter! [blows whistle] By the way, these are not jokes….this could actually happen.  Some other future quotes from the female players: “The coach said I needed to lose some weight, I have filed a lawsuit because I am being body-shamed!” “These men are too rough! I keep getting hurt!” (prompting new rule that players cannot touch each other) ”You called travelling on me for taking three steps but I should be allowed to take three steps because they are taller than me and I canno...

  PHOTOS FROM THE FUTURE... HEADLINE: GAVIN NEWSOM TAKES OVER AS DISNEY CEO

Elections are coming up again, you know, like that shrimp you ate at lunch that tasted a bit off.  I have listed here some things for all voters to keep in mind as they head to the polls (or don't head to them).  This guide is less of a "who and what to vote for" than it is a guide for whether or not you SHOULD vote. If you get ALL your news from Fox News - DON'T VOTE If you get ALL your news from MSNBC - DON'T VOTE If you cannot name one famous economist without using Google - DON'T VOTE If you have not read a fiction novel in the last year - DON'T VOTE If you think your political party has good intentions but that other party party has BAD ones - DON'T VOTE If you don't regularly listen to smart people who understand controversial issues argue about them - DON'T VOTE If you have more than two bumper stickers on your car - DON'T VOTE If you meet more than 3 people each day who are "Communists" or "Fascists"  - DON'T...

How I've longed since boyhood for the arrival of the flying car. This longing goes back well before Blade Runner or  The Jetsons . These have been dangled before us since the Wright Brothers first left the ground. Hell it took about 60 years to figure out that we should put cup holders in the ones we do have. And for that matter why did it take so damned long to make wheels on luggage a standard feature? You kids don’t know the tortures we faced while driving, even into the early 80s. First you had to GUESS how long it would take you to get to the airport to pick up your visiting relative, who left you a message on your answering machine from their house phone when they left Dallas at 7am. You’d likely spill a drink in your lap on the way to the airport where you’d meet Aunt Lucy, hopefully where she said she was going to be hours earlier, and then lug her 55 pound suitcase by its plastic handle all the way to your car from the Delta Terminal. The horror….the horror… Enter cell ph...